Monday, December 1, 2008
up and down
I try to steer this blog away from my personal life for the most part, but sometimes (okay, often) art is intertwined with personal. I have bipolar disorder - I was diagnosed when I was 16 years old. I won't go into detail, but at the time, the symptoms made themselves known in a big,unmistakable way. Since then, I've always struggled with medication issues : finding ones that work, finding ones whose side effects were bearable, and accepting the fact that yes, I really need to ALWAYS be on it. Every so often I go off of it for various reasons. Sometimes I talk myself into thinking I don't really have something wrong, therefore do not need medication. Sometimes I just let the prescription run out and don't refill it in time, which is where I am right now.
It's always very clear to me, once I'm off of it for a while, that there is indeed something wrong and I DO need medication. I ran out sometime last week and have managed to spiral into a pretty deep depression. It's almost funny..the depression gives me this combination of apathy and social anxiety that makes me not want to go out to pick up the medication that will STOP the apathy and anxiety.
I'm sitting here right now finding the idea of going out today totally daunting. I need to get dog food and take one of the dogs to the vet. I also need to go to the gym. But I can't seem to leave the house. I HAVE to, and I will, but it's like this BIG THING right now. Leave the house??? Nooooo!!!!! And this is only the begining. A few more days off my meds and I'll go in opposite direction - too much energy, no need (or ability) to sleep, bad decisions..wheeeeee!!!! So, yeah. Must pick up meds today.
So what did any of this have to do with artwork? I guess because I notice that my art starts to change as my mood plummets. Hence today's stamp - an anatomical heart. Not the prettified, idealized flaming/winged/sacred heart I'd draw in happier times. Just a heart, plain, raw and ugly.