Monday, December 1, 2008

up and down

I try to steer this blog away from my personal life for the most part, but sometimes (okay, often) art is intertwined with personal. I have bipolar disorder - I was diagnosed when I was 16 years old. I won't go into detail, but at the time, the symptoms made themselves known in a big,unmistakable way. Since then, I've always struggled with medication issues : finding ones that work, finding ones whose side effects were bearable, and accepting the fact that yes, I really need to ALWAYS be on it. Every so often I go off of it for various reasons. Sometimes I talk myself into thinking I don't really have something wrong, therefore do not need medication. Sometimes I just let the prescription run out and don't refill it in time, which is where I am right now.

It's always very clear to me, once I'm off of it for a while, that there is indeed something wrong and I DO need medication. I ran out sometime last week and have managed to spiral into a pretty deep depression. It's almost funny..the depression gives me this combination of apathy and social anxiety that makes me not want to go out to pick up the medication that will STOP the apathy and anxiety.
I'm sitting here right now finding the idea of going out today totally daunting. I need to get dog food and take one of the dogs to the vet. I also need to go to the gym. But I can't seem to leave the house. I HAVE to, and I will, but it's like this BIG THING right now. Leave the house??? Nooooo!!!!! And this is only the begining. A few more days off my meds and I'll go in opposite direction - too much energy, no need (or ability) to sleep, bad decisions..wheeeeee!!!! So, yeah. Must pick up meds today.
So what did any of this have to do with artwork? I guess because I notice that my art starts to change as my mood plummets. Hence today's stamp - an anatomical heart. Not the prettified, idealized flaming/winged/sacred heart I'd draw in happier times. Just a heart, plain, raw and ugly.


Nathan said...

This is funny. Not in the, "depression is awesome" kind of way, but in the, "I do the exact same thing" kind of way.

Ok, personal time (it's ok because it's on the internet. Where anyone can see it):

I've gone off my meds many times since I was 18, and the severe depression went untreated for 7 years prior to that. Wasn't until my moms got treated (when I was 18) that she said, oh hey, maybe Nathan has this too. Could explain why he's so fricking weird (my parents seriously thought I was on drugs in high school). Yay genetics!

Usually I let my prescription run out. Or I don't have insurance and can't get a new one. I used to hate the idea of not being in control and relying on medication. But then I realized it's a matter of functioning. As in, do I want to function?

My favorite part is when your mind says, "ah crap, I have to do stuff. This this and this need doing, and I can't really not do them." But then you just can't seem to do any of it regardless of how much you know it needs doing. Yay added anxiety!

Drugs are awesome.

sugarskull said...

"Ok, personal time (it's ok because it's on the internet. Where anyone can see it)"

That made me laugh an Atomic Fireball (the candy, not a real one, but it'd be so cool if I could do that..) right out of my mouth!

I'm so glad you commented. The dead silence that ensued for a while made me think everyone was like "Woo...quietly back away from the crazy girl...". I'm adopted (Hi, internet, let's get personal after all!) and I wonder how many messed-up people would show up if I could hunt down my biological family.
I refilled my prescription a few days ago and lo and behold...I got some stuff done today! Meds are neato.

Nathan said...

Atomic Fireblast FTW.

"I'm adopted"

Me too! Sort of. Technically. Half.

My Mom is biological. When I was 5 my dad wanted to adopt me (who raised me since I was 2), but the Massachusetts state law said that you can't adopt someone if they have a legal parent or guardian. So my mom had to give me up to the state, and then re-adopt me with my dad.

I waited in the hall. An orphan. All alone. Ward of the state. For about fifteen minutes.

It was all very traumatic.

sugarskull said...

"My Mom is biological" <-- I like to think mine is too, whoever she is. But maybe she's mechanical. That would explain the stray bolts I sometimes find in my..well..we don't need to go there.

I think you might be my cosmic half-twin. Both adopted (under somewhat different circumstances, but still..), both with varying degrees of mental illness, both with dogs named Lucy.....oh, and we both carve stamps. Creepy, no?

Nathan said...

Stop stalking me.

sugarskull said...

I KNEW you were going to say that. See? Cosmic half-twins.

About Me

Hippieville, CA, United States
This is the story of life after losing the "real" job and the house, trying to find the middle ground between making a living and actually living.