Tuesday, May 22, 2012

don't you forget about me..

I avoid "sad" movies at all costs. Really, if I've heard "Oh my God, that movie was SO good, I cried the whole time.." you can bet good money I won't be watching it. It may have been a really good story, but count me out. I don't know what it is, really. I know people find tearjerkers cathartic, and on the rare occasion I get suckered into one, unaware of its content, even I find some release in it. But if I can help it, I'll give it a wide berth as I tiptoe around it, doing my best to take in as little of the details as possible. All I need to know is that it's sad, and I'm out.

I don't know if I'm just a wuss, or if there's any credence to my typical excuse - which is this (I should have it printed up on business cards as a sad movie avoidance mission statement): "I find myself dealing with sadness FOR NO GOOD REASON way too often in my life, WHY would I do it on purpose???". I don't know if everyone who suffers from depression/bipolar disorder/*insert your mental illness here*/ feels this way, but it's a hangup that will probably be with me the rest of my life. A trail of unread/unwatched Nicholas Sparks stories will follow me to my grave, and I'm okay with that.

So as I lie here, puffy eyed and wet-cheeked after an innocent viewing of The Descendants...hmmm. I still stand by my mission statement. But if I had to get suckered into one, this was worth it. I KNEW the subject matter was potentially sad, but I didn't really comprehend the depth of it.

It made me think (and that's probably the heart of the matter..my loathing of anything that makes me think more than I already do). I wonder how most of my loved ones, those I keep closest to my heart (there are fairly few of you, so you probably know who you are) would remember me when my life ends.

I've not been perfect by anyone's standards, especially not my own - but I've been true to myself. I've been me. So if you love me, but, upon my departure, you discover some less-than-savory details about my life (and some of you will..), will you STILL love me (and my penchant for run-on sentences)? Will the reasons you loved me prevail over anything you might learn? Am I one of those people who will be looked back on with a half-smiling, half-sad shake of the head and remarks about my having been a free spirit? Or will people just think "Wow..that chick was a self-centered a**hole."? And in the long (or short...I guess that's part of my point..who knows how long we get?) run, does it matter? Should I live my life always wondering how a particular action might be perceived by a particular person once I'm gone? Am I even ABLE to do that? Judging by my present standard of living, I'd have to say no. So what was my point??

Oh yeah....so...The Descendants? Pretty sad, but good. And if my eyes look a little puffy tonight, SHUT UP, it's allergies.

Monday, May 21, 2012

working title

So...for a minute there it looked like I was going to start posting regularly and even put some effort into the writing. *insert gameshow buzzer sound here* Yeah....I don't know who I was trying to kid. I will never be anything but sporadic at best. It's in my DNA.

Hmmm...things that have gone on lately: we had a big vendor show, Conejo Valley Days, which is our city's big annual carnival/craft fair. We didn't do well. At all. The only reason we made a profit at all was because we didn't have to pay the full vendor fee thanks to having good friends in the right places. It was a good experience, though. Learning to set up our booth, talk to living, breathing customers (as opposed to our usual online ones), toughing out long hours four days in a row, and meeting some really great people..so no major complaints.

I completed the April 30/30 hooping challenge (hooping 30 minutes a day for 30 days in a row) and Jim completed it with me! I'm so proud of him, it's difficult for someone who's USED to hooping a lot, it's ridiculously hard for someone who isn't, and he hung in there.

The printing business is picking up slowly...but things are scary. Jim's unemployment benefits will run out soon and we'll need for him to take over the printing side of things as his Real Job and be able to actually make enough money to live on. We're not quite there yet, the rent here is high..and yeah. *GULP* We shall see. We're flying, as always, by the seats of our respective pants. I'm sure just about everyone thinks we're insane, but we're determined to make this work somehow.

We went to Renaissance Faire twice over the past month - it's an annual pilgrimage for us, and we had a blast. We've had to cut back on a LOT of the things we used to do, but Faire is one of those things we just can't give up. We've got another vendor event coming up - this one is more hoop related, so hopefully I'll sell a bunch of hoops and make gobs of money. We also get to bring our other merchandise, though..so we'll see how that does at this particular venue. If nothing else, it's an excuse to hoop with a bunch of kids and have lots of fun. OH, TOAD SHOWS!!! We'll be working the merch booth for two Toad shows in San Diego and one in Agoura Hills. Can't wait to see those guys again!!

Um....yeah, I wish I had something poignant and observant to say, but it's just not happening right now. (wait..does it ever happen??)

I watched the eclipse last night - Jim was out working on a film project, so I was alone. I sat on the sidewalk, snapped a bunch of pictures, tried to resist looking at it directly (with marginal success..) and enjoyed the eerie light and shadows. Maybe I'm just imagining it, but the peculiar and rare juxtaposition of moon and sun left me feeling oddly balanced and content. Why does it always take peculiar, rare conditions to produce that feeling in me? Another DNA quirk is all I can figure.

About Me

Hippieville, CA, United States
This is the story of life after losing the "real" job and the house, trying to find the middle ground between making a living and actually living.