Tuesday, May 22, 2012

don't you forget about me..

I avoid "sad" movies at all costs. Really, if I've heard "Oh my God, that movie was SO good, I cried the whole time.." you can bet good money I won't be watching it. It may have been a really good story, but count me out. I don't know what it is, really. I know people find tearjerkers cathartic, and on the rare occasion I get suckered into one, unaware of its content, even I find some release in it. But if I can help it, I'll give it a wide berth as I tiptoe around it, doing my best to take in as little of the details as possible. All I need to know is that it's sad, and I'm out.

I don't know if I'm just a wuss, or if there's any credence to my typical excuse - which is this (I should have it printed up on business cards as a sad movie avoidance mission statement): "I find myself dealing with sadness FOR NO GOOD REASON way too often in my life, WHY would I do it on purpose???". I don't know if everyone who suffers from depression/bipolar disorder/*insert your mental illness here*/ feels this way, but it's a hangup that will probably be with me the rest of my life. A trail of unread/unwatched Nicholas Sparks stories will follow me to my grave, and I'm okay with that.

So as I lie here, puffy eyed and wet-cheeked after an innocent viewing of The Descendants...hmmm. I still stand by my mission statement. But if I had to get suckered into one, this was worth it. I KNEW the subject matter was potentially sad, but I didn't really comprehend the depth of it.

It made me think (and that's probably the heart of the matter..my loathing of anything that makes me think more than I already do). I wonder how most of my loved ones, those I keep closest to my heart (there are fairly few of you, so you probably know who you are) would remember me when my life ends.

I've not been perfect by anyone's standards, especially not my own - but I've been true to myself. I've been me. So if you love me, but, upon my departure, you discover some less-than-savory details about my life (and some of you will..), will you STILL love me (and my penchant for run-on sentences)? Will the reasons you loved me prevail over anything you might learn? Am I one of those people who will be looked back on with a half-smiling, half-sad shake of the head and remarks about my having been a free spirit? Or will people just think "Wow..that chick was a self-centered a**hole."? And in the long (or short...I guess that's part of my point..who knows how long we get?) run, does it matter? Should I live my life always wondering how a particular action might be perceived by a particular person once I'm gone? Am I even ABLE to do that? Judging by my present standard of living, I'd have to say no. So what was my point??

Oh yeah....so...The Descendants? Pretty sad, but good. And if my eyes look a little puffy tonight, SHUT UP, it's allergies.


HudsonValleyHandymom said...

Love your brutal honesty, Kim! I think we're all at an age now where we can take it or leave it with so much in life. It is what it is, and there are always better days. Great blog.
- Donna

sugarskull said...

Thank you, Donna. :) And it's true, there are always better days. And most of em are more good than bad, really.

About Me

Hippieville, CA, United States
This is the story of life after losing the "real" job and the house, trying to find the middle ground between making a living and actually living.